the god of the mundane
a friend recently shared a quote with me that went something like: if god isn't lord of the mundane, then he isn't lord at all. this was meant to challenge the idea that the stay at home mom years are just you putting your life on hold. after it's done, then you'll get back to doing something that matters.
i have to admit, i'm fighting this. like when, for example, my kid is getting her molars (early) at 12 months and has regular meltdowns about it. and when she gets past the point of no return, its rather difficult to get her out of the meltdown. this morning she woke happy. and then breakfast happened. oh. my. word. alright so we're giving up on that. time for a family walk. that actually went fine. and then afterwards she started fussing again. i thought hey maybe its because she's hungry because she basically skipped breakfast. i stick her back in her high chair and get her some finger foods for lunch. she eats happily for a few minutes. and then. MELTDOWN. and i just want to leave her in the dumb chair and let her scream because OH. MY. WORD. i take her out and she doesn't want to play. will start nursing for a few seconds and then starts crying. doesn't want to be held, but when i put her down she wants to be held. and just screams. i swear. half the time i have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. so. i pick her up and we start watching videos of her on my phone. that pacifies her for a bit. then she tries to get off my lap. commence more meltdown. i turn on scripture lullabies as much for her as for me. we walk back and forth across the living room and she quiets down and puts her head on my shoulder. i look in the mirror in the dining room and tell her "it's ok. mama's here." and i think. well. if she's going to be a meltdown queen, i guess i'd rather be the one to comfort the crazy little monkey than someone else. and so. we press on.
this stay at home mom thing (and motherhood in general, really) is HARD. SO. VERY. HARD. i feel like that last week my anxiety levels have increased. thinking about baby #2 and timing for that. thinking about what it would be like to wrangle two littles. thinking about being able to get out of the house less. working around two schedules. waking for two littles in the night. and i just get completely overwhelmed. i felt myself slipping back a bit into my post partum anxiety days. it's hardest in the mornings when the whole day is ahead of me. i don't like to be alone (as in, without another adult). i start letting my mind wander with crazy scenarios and second guess all of our decisions. and when it's happening, it's so hard to snap out of it. but i have to. so my new plan is to memorize some verses to help me combat my anxious thoughts. because they're not truth. they may come out of real legitimate fears, but they are not truth.
i have to remind myself constantly that god is good and has good plans. and whatever it may look like - if i end up with another c-section, if i struggle with post partum anxiety again, if we end up not being able to have another baby - god is good and has good plans. at my darkest moments, he is there. he is always there. even when i can't feel his presence.
another thing i have to constantly remind myself is that i can't trust my feelings. they aren't truth either! i feel like god isn't there sometimes. but he is. i feel like i can't do this mom thing. but i can, with god. i feel a whole lot of things that aren't true. all the more reason to keep scripture hidden in my heart to combat lies.
so today, this week, this month, this year, and forever: god, be the god of my mundane. i get overwhelmed when i think about the foreseeable future and how many times i will be doing tasks over and over and over. i need perspective and to focus on each day, one day at a time. because if i tackle each day, one at a time - i can do this.
last night i went to a ladies event with our new church and we made pallet art. i chose a quote from mother teresa, "just do small things with great love." that's what i'm doing as a stay at home mom. and i pray that my little meltdown queen feels that great love each and every day, and that she grows to be a strong woman of god.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
for your are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.