the dreaded two year molars
bina cut her first two year molar last week and i felt like my whole life made sense. that's why she's been crazy the last two months! there is a reason! never mind that teething pain is only supposed to last a few days. my child feels it for months before those little pearly white devils pop out. or at least, i like to attribute sleepless nights and such and whatever else to teething because blame gives me some semblance of control. says brene brown. i blame bina's behavior on teething. brene brown says blame is discomfort and pain coming out of us. yep. the discomfort and pain i suffer as a result of the antics of my almost two year old make me want some explanation. any explanation. someone tell me it's not just her!
side note. last saturday morning my dad and step-mom watched bina so david and i could go on a brunch date. their subdivision's easter egg hunt was going on during that time so they took her and she LOVED it. how cute is she. so cute. $5.99 sunglasses from h&m. i call them her "aunt marie sunglasses" because they look just like a pair my sister marie has. which is part of the reason why i got them.
anyways. just yesterday i was telling my step-mom how bina has been sleeping great and how much easier this teething round is than the others before it. i'll take more frequent nursing and fussiness any day over sleepless nights! WRONG. last night she woke at 2:30am ready to play. i nursed her and she popped up and out of the chair and turned off her noisemaker like she does when she wakes from nap. then she left the room and ran down the hallway and into the hall bath where the light was on. um. tiny human. it is NOT play time. i took her back to her room and sat and rocked with her for awhile. thought she was asleep. nope. eventually i just stuck her back in her crib and by the grace of god she didn't have a three hour scream-a-thon and actually fell back asleep as i was fervently praying to jesus that she would do so.
poor crazy kid has had an odd appetite for awhile now and has also been a poop monster. until the last few days, that is. she used to poo several times a day and now she is down to maybe one a day and pooping nice poo rocks. she wouldn't eat anything this morning (besides mama milk) so i force fed her a prunes and pear pouch by holding her down on her back with her head on my knees and waiting for her to swallow each bite. child, i need you to eat something that will help your poo issues. yesterday all she wanted to eat was cheese, cheese, and more cheese. so i'm sure that compounded the poo issues.
i've been having more days where i find myself just ready to be done with breastfeeding. we shall see how that plays out. 22 months of breastfeeding so far. my goal after making it 12 months was to make it 24 months, as suggested by the world health organization. i've also said i'll continue nursing as long as bina wants to. but days like today, i'm just done. bina has been wanting to nurse much more frequently, i assume because of the discomfort of teething. i find myself not wanting to nurse when she asks (by throwing herself sideways and declaring "nuh! nuh!"). i'm kind of crawling in my skin today when she nurses. that has been happening more often. i find it's just not enjoyable, at least for me. at least today. and earlier this week. she isn't as good of a nurser when she nurses like this, popping on and off and getting distracted. i won't make any bina life-altering decisions when i'm operating on a night of sleep interrupted by bina's 2:30am play time. but maybe this is just the beginning of god preparing me to retire this method of soothing and source of nutrition. there's also my hope of possibly nursing an adopted babe, if god gives us one. it would really not be possible to attempt that if i were to suspend nursing bina before we were placed with an infant. today i don't think i could survive having two little beings sucking on my boobs all day long. the though kind of makes me want to crawl in a hole. or go shopping at target. target definitely sounds better than a hole. anyways. lots of things to consider. of course! nothing in motherhood is simple, it seems.
it's interesting how i was feeling so full of joy having david's brother's family here a few weeks ago. how it made me want to fill my house with littles to make noise and enjoy the chaos that is having life in my home! this morning as bina was having meltdown #37 in the kitchen, i found myself thinking -- i don't know, am i really cut out for this? if i have a newborn and bina, there will be lots and lots and LOTS of crying and meltdowning. and not just from the littles. i will probably join them on the floor in defeat as well. i had to remind myself that this trying time is a season. littles don't teethe forever! just like they don't nurse forever. someday my child will sleep in until noon and i will long for the days when she would wake early and i would snuggle in bed with her and nurse her lying side by side, feeling her little hand patting me. the feel of my milk letting down. knowing that my body is still nourishing this tiny human god entrusted to me and david. someday i will miss this season! however, that day is not today. today i am struggling to keep my cool, to remind myself constantly -- god loves bina, i love bina. to remind myself that this poor babe of mine doesn't understand teething and why she is so uncomfortable. to remind myself that my job is to love and care for her, and to show her that no matter what, i am always there for her. even when her nursing makes me want to crawl out of my skin. even when her constant meltdowns make me want to run out of the house screaming. even when i don't want to be there for her. i lay down my selfishness, my need for comfort. because i am a mom, and by the grace of god i want to be the person i want bina to grow up to be. someone who is patient, loving, kind, compassionate, long suffering, vulnerable, curious, adventurous, and full of joy and life. also someone who enjoys happy hour margaritas with friends to take the edge off of this amazingly sanctifying journey called motherhood. or just life in general.
oh motherhood! oh two year molars! god help us all. one nursing session at a time, one meltdown at a time, one sleepless night at a time. we can do this. through jesus, the one who has shown us what it means to love perfectly. and so today i'll keep giving my broken best. and we will survive another day on this journey of cutting molars. the dreaded two year molars. because someday soon, the teething will be over. at least, i hope.