this is temporary
my mantra lately? this is temporary.
pregnancy nausea? this is temporary.
pregnancy heartburn and acid reflux? this is temporary.
pregnancy exhaustion? this is temporary.
first trimester? this is temporary.
four week summer head cold? this is temporary.
four weeks of not being able to go to the gym because of head cold? this is temporary.
residual chest wall irritation from coughing? this is temporary.
my daughter having up all night parties in the middle of the night? this is temporary.
my daughter being the pickiest eater on the planet? this is temporary.
insane hormones? this is temporary.
husband working extra long hours? this is temporary (hopefully this one isn't just wishful thinking).
i feel like i've done a decent job of reigning in anxiety at the beginning of this pregnancy. my head goes weird places when i don't feel great, and stomach sickness is my kryptonite. the nausea started just before week six, and then this summer head cold shortly after. the two combined really took a lot out of me. but my mantra, this is temporary, has helped me get a handle on things. i will not feel like this forever, it's just right now. i think this may be helpful with my fears about childbirth and post partum this time around. however childbirth and recovery goes, it is temporary. my post partum experience and trying to adjust to being a family of four is temporary.
i remember bina's first weeks, thinking that we will never eat dinner together ever again. but we did. i had to remind myself over and over -- she will not be two weeks old (four weeks old, three months old, a year old...) forever. this is temporary. that gives me freedom to enjoy the happy parts of this temporary season too. the challenging parts are temporary, but so are the parts full of joy. kids. they keep growing. i adore bina at three. i think because i mentioned this to a friend yesterday, my head messed with me when things didn't go as planned early this morning.
this morning was a rough one for me. bina woke at 4am and insisted she was not going back to sleep. i laid in bed with her for an hour and 45 minutes and then i was fed up. i knew david was getting up for work soon. he could deal with her until he left and maybe i could sleep another 30 minutes before a 12 hour shift with a sleep deprived three year old. she screamed for mama. i felt slightly bad about starting david's day this way. but he got to go to work after, i was the one hanging with the kid all day long. bina came back in bed with me when david went to work. my side hurt from the chest wall irritation. i was dreading the day. i didn't want to deal with my sleep deprived self and my sleep deprived toddler. i was anticipating another extra long work day for david. i was feeling overwhelmed by life and the fact that my body is currently growing another adorable monster that will wake up probably at different times than my current adorable monster. and then i started angry crying in bed with bina beside me. little sweet, full of empathy, stopped her fussing and turned to me asking, "mommy, are you ok?" in my emotionally unstable head i was thinking "NO. I'M NOT OK. YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE." but of course that is not true. i kept crying and feeling overwhelmed. she kept on asking, "mommy, are you ok? what's the matter, mommy?" she started rubbing her little hand along my arm. and then it hit me. I AM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. my THREE year old has more empathy and emotional awareness than some ADULTS. last night was hard. i had a hard morning. but this kid? she is beautiful, inside and out. and whether she sleeps 12 hours straight or not, whether she eats anything i put in front of her or not, we are doing just fine. she doesn't wake at 4am every morning. she isn't up for hours in the night every night. this is temporary.
thankfully the little bug finally fell back asleep and we stayed in bed until 10:30am, at which time she woke fussing wanting to eat. typically she has a bowl of plain oatmeal for breakfast every morning. i feel good about that. but the last two mornings she's been a bit challenging to feed. the oatmeal is not cutting it. i offered her a bag of rice chex. she asked for milk and water to drink. i filled half a water bottle and half a milk cup for her. she drank them down and asked for more. yes i know, solids before liquids. she had fun eating a bit of rice chex and then throwing a few bites to the dogs. not sure how much she ate and how much the dogs ate. oh well. i've cut her back on nursing, trying to limit it to when she wakes, during "eye sticker" time, and before bed. sometimes we add an extra one in there if its a particularly fussy day and i'm tired. i thought this would increase her appetite. that has not been the case. she's still peeing and pooping and growing and the pediatrician is not concerned about her progress. so. we plod on. her picky eating is temporary. or maybe it's not, but eventually she will be in charge of her own nutrition and it won't be my problem to navigate forever. ;)
on saturday we leave for a family vacation. david has been working lots lately, so the prospect of having him to ourselves for five days straight is exciting. i'm looking forward to relaxing and enjoying time together. his long days of work this week are temporary. soon i will have him all to myself. we can do this.
as more bumps in the road come up and i find myself frustrated or anxious, i hope to continue to surrender all the things to god and recognize that whatever "this" is, it truly is temporary, as are all things on this earth. i can do this. we can do this. one day at a time. remembering that god is eternal and my ultimate hope is in him, not in these temporary things. but oh how hard it can be in the moment. to step back. to gain perspective. but when i do, i see so much more clearly what is true, what is accurate, and what is not.
this life? it is temporary. may i fix my eyes on the eternal, and find the strength in him to make it through the temporary. and to find joy in all the beautiful temporary here in this life. like the sweet face of my three year old.
her explosive laugh. her kindness and empathy. the privilege of growing a life in my womb (10 weeks).
the excitement to grow into a family of four. the warmth of the sun, the dancing of the shadows of the leaves in the trees. the ability to lift weights and strengthen my body.
yeah. the challenging is temporary. this is temporary. and i am going to make it and enjoy all the full of joy temporary along the way.