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i want more babies

i love my girls. like. i LOVE them. i mean. just LOOK at them. and having them makes me want more babies.

i want more babies.

even though i was up at 2:30 and 4am monday night. 2:30 was the baby's time to have a middle of the night conversation through her monitor and then go back to sleep. 4am was bina's almost wake up time. until she fell back asleep an hour and a half later.

i want more babies even though bina still regularly wakes once a night and i go in and co-sleep with her in her twin bed. the worst of this is when the baby wakes in the night and before i get her back down, bina wakes. then i have two unhappy children in the middle of the night and all i want to do is sleeeep. my little darlings, why do you conspire against me?! thankfully, this predicament doesn't happen often. however, bina has more often been a wiggle monster in the wee hours of the morning as i lie next to her in her twin bed praying for her to go back to sleep. super fun. she typically obliges me eventually.

i want more babies even though i'm experiencing some symptoms i didn't experience the first time because this time i had tearing and am nursing two babes instead of just one. good news, my milk supply is ROCKSTAR. bad news, i have low estrogen. re: effects of low estrogen. i still feel the pressure sometimes when i've stood too long during the day. i still experience some discomfort when i'm doing an exercise that has me rolling over my tailbone or when i sit on something not so soft.

i want more babies even though i honestly do not like being pregnant. i don't like feeling yuck for nine months. i don't like nausea or constant heartburn. i don't like not being able to sleep on my back. labor and birth are empowering, but also scary and painful as hell. postpartum is rather brutal for me physically, whether delivery by c-section or vaginal birth.

i want more babies. i desire more babies. is it god's will that i have more babies? i do not know. my prayer lately has been that if god does not want me to have more babies, if he would have me be content with my two (which, i am), that he would remove this desire from me. because i have gone back and forth over the last four months. this last week is the first week i have been solidly in the "more babies" camp. heck, immediately post partum i was for sure done. no more. at least by birth. yet now i am leaning towards attempting to get pregnant again to have another child by birth. having these tiny humans that are a mix of me and david is just like. pure magic. whether we are able to have another child by birth or adoption, right now i would love to continue to grow this little family of ours.

one day at a time, brittain. no decisions to be made today. or for the next year, really. except whether or not to update our home study and get back on the domestic infant adoption waiting families list. but that decision won't be made until juniper hits the 9-12 month mark. ENJOY TODAY, brittain. just ENJOY. TODAY.

and boy is there so very much to enjoy.

our sweet bina turned four years old on june 1. FOUR. how did this kid get so big so fast? four years of motherhood. four years of nursing. so much breaking and maturing has happened over the last four years since this little bug made her debut. she came out smashing my control idols with my water breaking days before my scheduled c-section. poopy butt first. and she's been turning my world upside down ever since. in the very best way. i cannot imagine our lives without this burst of david's energy and my emotional intensity. she is an explosion my and david's strongest characteristics. equal parts wonderful and terrifying. and i wouldn't have her any other way.

sabina's first birthday

sabina's second birthday

sabina's third birthday

i'm still so proud of this peppa pig cake. take note.

and her fourth birthday. this time i outsourced the cake to costco. turns out party planning with a three month old in addition to our lovely bina is a little harder than with one kiddo.

rainbow unicorn butterfly. that was our party theme this year. a magical theme for a magical girl. the girl who made me a mama. oh how we love her and her baby sis. oh how i want so many more of these little joys. now if god decides to humor me and entrust more babes to me, i am sure i would have a WHAT DID I DO moment. or more likely, many moments. we definitely had those moments after becoming first time parents. i had those moments probably off and on for the first three years. just being real, ya'll. but now that i am used to this gig, adding juniper has been kind of a breeze. the more challenging of the two is still my big girl. things may change once juniper is able to get around. babies are so easy when they're not mobile. but i still have all my gates and cabinet locks up so we are ready to go whenever she is. at least this time around i have a big helper in big sis!

sabina turned four on june 1 and juniper turned four months on june 6. here is sabina at four months on the left and juniper at four months on the right. oh these girls. they are so stinking cute i could just eat them. but of course i wont.

sometimes i think they look so much alike. other times i think they look so different. it will be fun to see how their unique looks continue to emerge as they grow. being their mama is such a privilege. one i am so grateful for and do not take lightly. and though i want more babies right now, i do not want to spend so much time looking towards the future that i do not fully enjoy what is right in front of me. my right now. these two girls. my big and my little.

i love experiencing our mundane daily lives with them. seeing things through the eyes of an energetic and imaginative four year old. watching juniper as she discovers her hands and that she has control over them. as she begins to laugh. oh the wonder of these first years of life. each stage comes with its unique challenges and joys. and when i keep the proper perspective, i can fully enjoy each and every stage just as it is.

and so, though i do want more babies, i want to live fully in today. because i don't know if i will have a tomorrow. the only for sure i know is right. now. this very moment. and the fact that god has all of my moments in his hands for however long they will last. i am grateful for today. i am grateful for these two tiny humans he has entrusted to me. i am grateful for this life. the opportunity to stay home with them. to nourish them from my body. to experience life through the eyes of a child. to share in their big joys and great sadness. to learn to be the adult i want them to grow up to be.

i want more babies. it's true. and i absolutely adore the ones i have right now more than i ever thought possible. and if they are the two that complete our family, i am completely content. and if we are to grow our family again, i trust that god will guide us and grant us grace for whatever that may look like in the future.

for now, our present looks like this. and i think that's pretty great.

hello there.

brittain here. just sharing my journey day to day with lots of laughs along the way.

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