15 months and emerging from the fog

today was bina's 15 month pediatrician appointment (21 days late), complete with weighing, poking, prodding, three shots and a finger prick. it was epic.

we started in the waiting room with a snack trap of bread. as long as i'm with her, she is fiercely independent. so she took that snack trap and wandered as far as possible, leaving a little trail of crumbs behind her (which i picked up and threw away, don't worry). when we got called back, i had to pick her up because she was not listening to my "come this way" directions. of course. we were led back to the exam room. the nurse suggested bina might be able to stand on the scale, but as soon as the nurse removed bina's shoes, tears ensued. never mind then. we will do the bucket baby weigh station.

back in the exam room, sabina almost successfully launched herself out of the bucket baby weigh station. lots of screaming and crying theatrics. then the nurse had to get her length. more tears and theatrics, and a shove to boot. bina thought she might be able to kick the nurse away. of course once bina was safely back in my lap, all was right in the world.

i was instructed to strip her down to her diaper for the pediatrician. once the nurse left, i did that and then fed her some cut up string cheese, avocado, and lunchmeat. we were pretty chill after that. just a happy little naked babe. drinking her water. i swear the kid could live on cheese and avocado.

and then the pediatrician came. i asked about separation anxiety since that has been quite an issue for us lately. she said it's normal for this age and that she expects that as she approaches bina today, bina will flip out (which was correct). i'm encouraged that this too shall pass. i felt a lot less defensive than i did at the last appointment. the pediatrician and i are on the same team. we both want a healthy, growing bina bina. she was reassuring and offered helpful tips for dealing with separation anxiety and tantrums. oh my spirited little.

next we waited some more and then got three shots and a finger prick. and that's when the REALLY MAD bina came out. but we lived. and then we drove home. bina fell asleep in the car and i transferred her to her crib successfully after nursing. it was a good morning, all things considered.

the last few days i've felt more like myself than i've felt in a month. i'm coming out of the fog, and it's nice. i'm reminded that i like me! i had a pretty good week the week before too, and then had a lot of trouble sleeping last friday, got all angry, and had a weepy day saturday. that really angry night was kind of another turning point for me. i feel like i can't keep fighting who i am; i can't keep wishing i didn't have anxiety and didn't struggle with that, depression, and insomnia. that doesn't mean that those things are good, but it just means that they are my struggles. my thorn in my side. they keep me humble. they remind me of just how broken i am. and then in the midst of all that, i'm comforted to know that god made me. he made my personality. and he can redeem the things in me that cause me to struggle. he already has!

so i've had other nights this week when i've struggled to sleep. but i'm not fighting them. i'm not getting all worked up and all stressed out. i'm more peaceful during those nights. now maybe i'll have another not-so-peaceful night. maybe i'll have another resurgence of anxiety. or maybe not. again and again i have to remind myself: each day is a new day, each night is a new night. every time i think i have the formula down, it changes. it's like god is not letting me find a formula. he's teaching me to be ok with uncertainty.

and in that i'm finding peace in recognizing that god has a plan for me. he has a plan for my family. he has a plan. and that plan is not the plan he has for my friends. so i can't look to the life of a friend and say: now how come i'm not there right now? well, brittain, because it's not your time. god knows. he knows my desires. he knows my hopes and dreams. he knows when they're dashed. he knows when they're renewed. he knows it all. and he wants me to trust him. to trust that he's got me in his hands. that my pain and struggle is not for nothing. that he is working in me, renewing me day by day. crucifying my control idol. covering me with his grace and love.

and for this season, i have the privilege of staying home with my spirited little munchkin. who just happened to wake up from her nap. and is screeching. happy screeching. but not for long if i keep writing. which means... time to go get some ice cream because shots and finger pricks demand ice cream.