he's in the waiting
at church on sunday we sang the song "take courage" by bethel. i found myself getting choked up during the chorus:
take courage my heart
stay steadfast my soul
he's in the waiting
he's in the waiting
and hold onto your hope
as your triumph unfolds
he's never failing
he's never failing
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting.
this morning as my discussion group at bible study fellowship (BSF) went over our lesson from this past week, i was particularly moved by something that had struck me as i was completing the lesson myself. as we discussed the question together, i felt the truth of the section resonating inside me even more.
this year we are studying the book of romans, which is paul's letter to the church in rome. paul prays that he would be able to come to rome to see and speak with the roman christians himself. try as he may, he faces delay after delay after delay (torture, shipwreck, jail...). at the end of the book of acts we see the account of paul's journey to rome. he is taken there as a prisoner, delivered to rome from jerusalem. not the direct route i'm sure paul would have preferred, but he gets there nonetheless. god answers paul's prayer in his own way and timing. had god allowed paul to go to rome in paul's timing, we would not have the letter we're studying this year: the book of romans.
god answered paul's prayer in his timing and his way. trials and delays didn't mean that paul should stop pursuing rome. they didn't mean that paul was outside the will of god or in sin. god worked all things together for the good, according to his plan and in his timing.
our adoption journey came to mind as i was thinking about paul's journey to rome. last summer we got off birth control, anticipating we would be pregnant months later. a friend of mine who had her second baby a few days before i had bina had found out she was pregnant again. i assumed we would be sharing our pregnancies together another round. what fun! but months went by and though i never had a period, there was no life growing inside of me. i took pregnancy test after pregnancy test, convinced that i was exhibiting some of the same signs that i did before i had my positive pregnancy test with bina. and whether that was the case or not, the result was not the same. i felt god speak to me that it was his timing for my friend to grow her family, but not mine.
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting.
a little over a month later i slipped into insomnia and a resurgence of extreme anxiety and depression. the insanity of our life transition from texas to michigan had caught up with me, and i broke. i completely lost my appetite. i lost 10 pounds in two weeks. i was terrified that i wouldn't be able to care for bina as i felt i couldn't care for myself. but we made it, she and i, one day at a time. her sweet and playful personality gave me glimmers of hope, of joy. i had to start noticing the kindness of god in each smile and giggle from my sweet girl. all the adorable things she was beginning to do, like pull her wooden pull toys around the house, constantly turning around to see them as they trailed behind her. it took me a month to make it through the worst of that season, and i slowly and carefully pressed on and into god.
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting.
i visited a midwife who told me that if i wasn't pregnant by january i should get a pelvic ultrasound to see if anything was out of the norm. january came and i wasn't pregnant. we had considered adoption and god had been cultivating that burden in me in the months leading up to our cut off date. i had my ultrasound. i wasn't called with results. i just figured it must be nothing and felt silly about getting it in the first place. i was (and am) still breastfeeding, that could be the source of irregular periods.
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting.
we signed up for the domestic infant adoption orientation through bethany christian services on february 14, valentine's day. i wanted to attend the january orientation but it was full when i called to sign up. in the weeks following the orientation, i began assembling everything we needed to submit an application for adoption. david and i discussed whether or not we would keep trying to get pregnant simultaneously, and i decided i didn't want to have that variable. if we were going to pursue adoption, i wanted that to be our plan A. so we began preventing again. i stayed off birth control because i read that it is associated with depression and i didn't need any help on that front hormonally.
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting.
we completed our adoption application with delays due to personnel being out of the office periodically, extra background checks to submit since we had lived in three states the previous five years, etc. so many things were out of my hands. all i could do was email and check in on the status of our application and whether or not we had been assigned an adoption specialist. and so i did that. religiously.
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting.
at the beginning of june, we were assigned an adoption specialist and began our home study. my annual obgyn appointment fell between our first and second home study visit. my midwife asked if i had received the results of my pelvic ultrasound back in january and i said no, i just assumed it was all fine. but that wasn't the case. my midwife informed me that i had two cysts, one on each ovary. i was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). among other things, it can result in irregular periods and ovulation, which can make it difficult to get pregnant. once pregnant, one is more likely to miscarry than someone without PCOS. i was stunned. and yet relieved. relieved to have a diagnosis to explain my symptoms (symptoms beyond just irregular periods). stunned that i had this diagnosis.
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting.
i have had friends with PCOS, have heard about PCOS and how it's difficult to get pregnant. but it never crossed my mind that i might have it. it occurred to me that bina may very well be a little miracle baby. i thought i had some control over us getting pregnant with her. silly brittain. i have so much less control than i think. it occurred to me that god is so kind. to let me think i'm making adoption plan A when i didn't realize how it might be difficult for us to get pregnant without some sort of intervention (medicine, fertility treatment) in the future. and had i known about this diagnosis before bina, how much more stressed would i have been about the possibility of miscarriage or other pregnancy complication that can arise with PCOS. how kind is god to spare me that, and to give me a babe that grew to full term and was born without any health problems (besides being folded in half for months because she was breech). god knows.
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting.
if god wills our family to grow via adoption, it will happen in his way and timing. it just so happens that a friend of ours who watched bina during the spring after she was born is also pursuing domestic infant adoption. her son was born three months before bina, also breech and delivered via c-section. i didn't know anyone who had had a c-section when i was told that i needed to have one. i heard about this friend's story with her son and i sought her out at church and asked her to tell me everything. we didn't know each other, but that was the start of a sweet friendship. she cared for and supported me through my experience and shared her own. and now it looks like we might be months apart again: this time in welcoming new babes into our family through adoption. how kind is god.
take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting. he's never failing.
i don't know how much longer we might be waiting for placement. it looks like we should be approved to be a waiting family by the end of the month. i've been pumping for two months now and as of last night i have 175 oz of frozen breastmilk in my deep freeze. my pumping schedule has been hit or miss the last week with activities resuming and bina's sleep and nap routine being off. but i keep pressing on, pressing in. it's been a challenging few weeks with different stressors that have nothing to do with our adoption journey. i've been frustrated and lacking in patience so far this week. which indicates i need to continually plug into god and his word. now is the time to press in, not give way to agitation and restlessness. so i will continue the struggle, to preach to my heart the truth of the gospel. god knows what he is doing with my life as i stay surrendered to him and his will. i need his grace for each and every moment of each and every day. whatever may come. whatever the timing. my god is in the waiting and he is never failing.
so take courage my heart. stay steadfast my soul. he's in the waiting. he's never failing.
